Bold, is it not? But if you are painting with a big brush, bold is the only stroke you can make. And my brush is big, blunt, and nicknamed ‘jughead.’
This past year I started to get into philosophy. One thing about reading a bunch of philosophy and trying your damnedest to understand/believe in it, you become a pretty cynical person. They build you up and knock you down, wham, straight to the sober floor of existentialism. Don’t get me wrong, it clears up a lot of human bullshit, and I don’t feel like existentialists are snake-oil salesmen trying to sell me a quick fix answer. But it makes justifying your actions so much harder, and I’m generally a lazy dude.
So in the spirit of that laziness, I have come upon my New Years Resolution for 2012. You ready for it?
I’m not going to give a shit.
Wonderful attitude, right? Perhaps I should explain a bit more before you dismiss me as an apathetic jerk, or worse, antipathetic about everything.
I’ve been distancing myself as much as possible from the upcoming elections, because no matter who is running, no matter who wins, I have the clawing sense of dread that it won’t make a damn difference, that the bloated bureaucratic bullshit system will keep on rolling right along, the tea parties will run out of earl gray, the occupiers’ will fade into the background, etc. So I’m not going to give a shit anymore.
There’s the economy. Since I’m still in school, I’m not yet searching for a grownup job, but I know plenty that are. Not many have found one. Yeah, they’ll get one eventually, as will I, I presume, but the illusion of the scripted American life(if there ever was one) is gone. It is replaced by innumerable uncertainties. Will I get that job one day? Will I find a nice girl to start a family with? If I do get either or both, will it satisfy me, or will I end up bitter, alcoholic, divorced, (insert unhappy life event here)? Batten down the hatches, boy. Work hard, wear a tie, don’t expect to be happy if you want to have money/a house/a nice car/a retirement. Ugh, screw that. I cease to give a shit.
If someone’s a dick to me at work, I’m not going to give a shit.
If I make an ass out of myself, which I often do, I’m not going to give a shit.
This isn’t flippant dismissal. I’m not going to start flipping people the bird just for the hell of it, that ain’t really my style. I’m not going to be much different than before, which meant quiet, shy, somewhat temperamental, often insulting to a select few people but always to their face in a joking manner, and certainly an odd duck, but never intentionally cruel or hateful. None of that will change, except where it most counts, which is psychologically.
To explain that part, little me quote you a little Twain. “Power, money, persuasion, supplication, persecution — these can lift at a colossal humbug — push it a little — weaken it a little over the course of a century; but only laughter can blow it to rags and atoms at a blast. Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.” This is from The Mysterious Stranger. The work on a whole is seen as Twain’s most cynical, his most glaring admonishment of humanity amongst the many he put forth. It is a very existential piece, delving into solipsism and perhaps nihilism, depending on your mood. To me, it was inspiring, if for nothing else than the last sentence quoted above.
All the problems, all the challenges, all the terrible stuff that has happened and will happen, and even the good stuff that can turn out to be just as bad, all of it can be wiped out with laughter. Whether you admit it or not, sooner or later, nothing that happens here will mean a whole hill of beans. But don’t you dare call me a nihilist. Nihilists are cowards, Donnie.
With all that philosophy I read, I think I struck upon the idea that most suits my tastes: Absurdism. In a nutshell, absurdism is, if there is a meaning in the universe, it is impossible to know, and the sooner you acknowledge that, the sooner you can get on with living, and living free, in a way you choose. I absolutely have come to terms with the absurdity of life, the universe, and everything, and will continue forth in seeking my own answer, which may or may not be 42.
Is this all merely an Apotheosis of Apathy? Probably. I’m not so far gone as to not see my own bullshit staring me in the face. And believe you me, I’ll be the first to laugh in my own face. Because everything is bullshit, including me, and I don’t care.
Welcome, 2012. I find you hilarious already.